Poor old Kate
by serendu
Summary: Finally updated! Miracle! Pity my friend Kate. She hasn't seen the movie or read the books and I've just decided to send her to middle earth for a laugh! *Upto chapter 31!!* R&R please, pretty please, pretty please with sugar on top!!!
1. introductions

Hello out there! This is my second attempt at fan fiction. Yet another Lotr one I'm afraid. (Sorry - I have no life...) So after doing the obligatory Lego romance now I'm turning to humour. This is my take on all the 'girl falls into middle earth by strange accident' scenario. I may not write much on this - so if it never gets finished you can't blame me for not warning you okay?  
  
The usual disclaimer: Lord Of The Rings and all the characters therein are not mine. They're owned by Tolkien or whoever bought it off him. If I had the money I'd own them, but I don't. Life's a bitch innit? Kate isn't mine either. (And she's going to kill me when she finds out...)  
  
Introductions.  
  
Let me introduce you to Kate. She is approx 5ft 6, has short (dyed) blonde hair, blue eyes, wears glasses and is slightly overweight. (I said she'd kill me...). Kate lives happily with her boyfriend and her cat. She has no interest whatsoever in anything like books and she hasn't seen the movie either. Unfortunately for Kate when this finishes she'll be wishing she had.  
  
It was a normal day for Kate. She got up, went to work, did her usual things there came home and started running her bath for her boyfriend before starting on making the dinner. Then she heard a knock on the door.  
  
"Hello Kate."  
  
"Hi. Come on in. What can I do for you?"  
  
"Well um see. I need a favour."  
  
"Ok. What's up?"  
  
"I want you to have this bag. And I need you to do something for me."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"Close your eyes and hold out your hand."  
  
Kate shut her eyes and did what she was told. She felt the bag being put into her hand and then it was as though the world started spinning wildly around her. "Hey! What's going on?" 


	2. falling

Usual - I own nothing.  
  
Falling  
  
"You have been summoned here to face the threat of..."  
  
"Argh!!!!" Kate landed uncomfortably in the middle of a number of people. She began to get up.  
  
"Do not move stranger else you will be pierced by my arrow."  
  
Kate looked up to see a strange man with pointy ears holding a bow and aiming his arrow at her nose.  
  
"Get that out of my face!" She said forcefully knocking the man's arrow away and getting to her feet. "Who the hell are you anyway aiming your stupid toy at me?"  
  
The man retrieved his arrow from the tree stump it had embedded itself into before answering. "I am Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and you are?" He asked haughtily.  
  
"And I'm the queen of Sheba." Answered Kate.  
  
"I am sorry, I did not realise you were of noble blood." Legolas said bowing in greeting.  
  
Kate looked bemused and bewildered at the man bowing in front of her, but one thing was puzzling her above all else. "What's with the ears?" She asked pointing at Legolas's ears.  
  
"I am an elf my lady."  
  
"Nooo. You are on drugs. Where on earth am I anyway?"  
  
"You are in Rivendell." Answered another. "My name is Elrond."  
  
"And Rivendell is where exactly?" Kate asked now thoroughly lost after noticing that this guy too had pointy ears.  
  
"Rivendell is in middle earth." Came the answer from another man. "Where are you from?"  
  
"Umm Britain. UK. The world. What's wrong with you people!" She demanded as she noticed just how weird everyone around her looked. She started backing away from them getting ever so slightly scared now. "Where the hell am I?" She asked again before she noticed that her head was hurting after she had fallen "And why am I seeing twice as many of you as there was a minute ago?" Kate said as her eyes began blurring before she passed out. 


	3. joining

Still owning nothing.  
  
Joining  
  
"You want me to do what?"  
  
"You are to join the fellowship on their quest to destroy the ring. You are here to represent your people." Elrond stated.  
  
"What people? I don't have any people! I want to go home!"  
  
"You said you were of noble blood, therefore you must represent your people."  
  
"When did I say I was noble?"  
  
"You said you were a queen and therefore you must go."  
  
"What on earth did I do to deserve this?"  
  
***  
  
The fellowship plus Kate set out. Kate moaned constantly, so much so that Boromir questioned her ability to be there.  
  
"And what's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I only suggested that perhaps it would be better for you to remain behind your majesty."  
  
"And perhaps it would be better if you actually learnt how to shave. I can't stand beards. And my name's Kate. Got that? Kate."  
  
Boromir muttered something beneath his breath which Kate ignored as the fellowship marched on.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Yeah I know it's short. Any opinions on this? Do you want me to continue? I really would like some feedback/ideas for this one. So please R&R! 


	4. hide!

Still owning nothing...  
  
Hide!  
  
"Crebain from Dunland! Hide!"  
  
"Oof! Hey what's with the..." Kate was silenced by Legolas putting his hand over her mouth as he pulled her under a bush. "Get off me right now you stupid arrogant elf!" She said shoving him aside as she got up and began brushing her clothes down to get rid of bits of the bush.  
  
"We will have to take the pass of Caradhras."  
  
"What's the pass of whatever it is?" Kate demanded.  
  
In answer Gimli pointed at an extremely high snow covered mountain. "Are you totally insane?" She screeched. "There is no way on earth I'm climbing up there. Afraid of heights. I'll just stay here." With that she sat down resolutely on a rock only to be grabbed on each arm by Aragorn and Legolas and marched towards the mountain.  
  
***  
  
"There is a fell voice in the air."  
  
"A what voice?"  
  
"It's Saruman! He's trying to bring down the mountain!"  
  
"Cheers Saru-whatever the heck..." Kate was silenced by the mass of falling snow landing on her head.  
  
"For the first time she is silenced." Muttered Boromir.  
  
"Indeed, we must be grateful to Saruman." Chuckled Aragorn as they pulled Kate out of the snow.  
  
Kate was not impressed. "Whoever the heck that Saru bloke is he's in big fucking trouble when I get my hands on him." She muttered underneath her breath as the fellowship started off toward the Mines of Moria.  
  
***  
  
"Why are we waiting..." Sung Kate underneath her breath outside the doors to the Mines. "And since when do mines have doors anyway? Normal mines have shafts and lifts and stuff. They do not have doors. I know my grandfather was a miner." She stated aloud.  
  
"Dwarf blood. I should have guessed." Muttered Legolas as he glared at Kate.  
  
"Do not disturb the water." Aragorn said to Pippin.  
  
"No fear of you doing that. You look like you haven't had a bath in years." Commented Kate as she sat down on a piece of rock near the water's edge.  
  
***  
  
The fellowship with Kate were now inside the Mines. Kate was shivering, the encounter with the monster outside had done nothing to soothe her already exasperated nerves. "How come we don't get helmets in a mine?" She said aloud only to be severely "Shush!"ed by several members of the fellowship. "Just saying." She murmured angrily.  
  
"It is a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope our presence will go unnoticed."  
  
***  
  
"We cannot get out. They are coming." Quoted Gandalf from the book he had found near Balin's tomb. "Fool of a Took!" He cried moments later as Pippin knocked the skeleton over.  
  
"Orcs!"  
  
"They have a cave troll!"  
  
"Is that a bad thing?" Kate asked bewildered as the fellowship leapt into action around her. "You're using that?" Kate asked incredulously as Legolas strung an arrow to his bow. "You could have someone's eye out!"  
  
The fellowship ignored Kate's inane comments as they readied themselves for battle. The orcs came into the room attacking all before them.  
  
"Hey these things are trying to kill us!" Shouted Kate in disbelief as she ducked an orc sword. "What the hell did I do to you?"  
  
Gimli's axe went into the back of the orc that was trying to kill Kate as the cave troll entered the room. Kate looked up.  
  
"Oh. My. God."  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
Will Kate survive the cave troll? Will she survive the fellowship? More importantly will they survive her? R&R please! 


	5. make for the bridge!

Still owning nothing...  
  
Make for the Bridge!  
  
Kate looked up in horror at the cave troll. It hit her with its arm sending her flying against the wall of the room knocking her unconscious. She only resurfaced as the fellowship were making for the bridge, finding herself slung over Boromir's shoulder. She was about to complain of this treatment when she saw what was following them. The combined sight of the Balrog and the height of the staircases they were currently running down was enough to make Kate faint again. She opened her eyes to see Gandalf fall and decided that keeping them shut was the better option. It was only when the fellowship were finally outside Moria that Kate felt herself being put down somewhat unceremoniously by an out of breath Boromir.  
  
"We must make for Lothlorien. Legolas get them up."  
  
Kate stood up automatically after Aragorn's words, too numb to think for herself. She ignored what Boromir was saying and started off towards where Aragorn was standing.  
  
***  
  
The fellowship arrived in Lothlorien.  
  
"Stay close young hobbits. They say an elf-witch of immense power lives in these woods. All who look upon her fall under her spell."  
  
Kate shut off Gimli's words. She was not in the mood for anything except going home to her boyfriend and her cat. Consequently finding several arrows pointing at her from elves did nothing to improve her temper.  
  
"God! What is it with you people and arrows? Will you get that stupid thing out of my face before I shove it up your arse!" She stated glaring at the elf directly in front of her.  
  
The elf ignored her, only putting down his arrow when Hladir started to lead the fellowship into Lothlorien.  
  
***  
  
"Tell me where is Gandalf?" Celeborn asked.  
  
"He has fallen into shadow." Galadriel answered a moment later.  
  
"Well if you knew that what was the point of asking?" Kate muttered.  
  
"You do not belong here." A voice inside Kate's head said.  
  
"Hey!" She exclaimed aloud. "None of the messing around with my head ok? I've had enough damage from the cave troll without you trying to drive me nuts."  
  
"You should return home." The voice continued.  
  
"Didn't you hear me?" Kate said louder. "Stop messing with my head." She glared at Galadriel "And what is it with you people and ridiculous hair? Don't you have hairdressers that can cut it decently?"  
  
***  
  
"What are they singing?" Pippin asked Legolas.  
  
"I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near." Legolas responded.  
  
Kate looked up and stared at Legolas. For a while he ignored her stare hoping she would look away.  
  
"Does my appearance trouble you?" He asked exasperated by her continuing stare.  
  
"Are you gay?"  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Are you gay?"  
  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well y'know it's the whole travelling around with a group of men thing. Do you have a girlfriend?"  
  
"I do not have a 'girlfriend'" Legolas answered stiffly.  
  
"So you're gay then." She said matter of factly. "I just wondered."  
  
"I am not gay." He answered his anger beginning to rise.  
  
"Sure? Cos y'know. You look it. And you don't have a girlfriend. How old are you again?"  
  
"Much older and wiser than you!" He answered getting to his feet.  
  
"And not married. Hmm."  
  
Legolas ignored her and walked away only to hear her words very faintly.  
  
"Definitely gay."  
  
***  
  
The fellowship left Lothlorien. Kate had refused point blank to go and see Galadriel. "I'm not having that stupid bitch with the stupid long blonde hair that looks dyed and needs a good cut messing with my head again!" She declared.  
  
The fellowship minus Kate went to see Galadriel and came back to where Kate was waiting for them by the boats.  
  
There was some discussion as to who would end up sharing with Kate. Eventually it was decided that the (unfortunate) party would be Boromir, Pippin and Merry much to their disgust.  
  
"Looks like we've drawn the short straw Pip." Merry commented as he got into the boat.  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************************  
  
Ok I know not much happens here. What the heck it will get better honest! Please R&R. Reviews keep me happy! And I haven't had that many on this one (sob) so be kind!!!!!  
  
(Ps does anyone know how you format stuff on FF? I wanna know how to do bold writing!) 


	6. Uruk-hai

Nowt of mine here mate....  
  
Oh and if anyone wondered about the whole 'are you gay?' speech (that is of course if anyone out there is actually reading this) the real Kate did actually say that to one of our close friends (although she didn't say 'definitely gay' - but that was due more to my intervention than anything else). I still haven't figured out whether she asked if it was because she'd had a little too much to drink that evening or whether she truly believed that he was......  
  
This one's short. And hey! If you're reading this and haven't reviewed - shame on you!  
  
Uruk-hai.  
  
The fellowship travelled far by boat. Kate did not offer to take the paddle at any point, which was probably a good thing because they would have probably ended up drowning. Eventually they made for the shore. Kate got out of the boat and decided that she felt sick.  
  
"Boats and me do not mix." She grumbled as she sat down and closed her eyes trying to get rid of the feeling of still being on board the boat.  
  
"Where's Frodo?" Merry asked suddenly having been looking for firewood.  
  
The fellowship split up to look for him. Kate managed to say "I'll stay here just in case he comes back" before the feeling of nausea washed back over her and she shut her eyes tightly.  
  
***  
  
She opened her eyes to the sound of swords clashing.  
  
"What the heck?" She mumbled as she stood up. "I swear this place is full of nutters. And they're all armed with sharp stuff. And I'm all alone thanks to that idiot Frodo. Cheers Frodo."  
  
She ducked back down as the sounds came closer. "I'm not a coward." She informed the tree which she crouched behind. "I just like living as opposed to dying horribly."  
  
As she crouched down lower the sounds of battle seemed to be moving away, she decided to risk looking up and in doing so saw Frodo standing on the shore with his palm outstretched holding the ring, looking across the water with unseeing eyes.  
  
"Where's he off to I wonder?" She pondered. "I reckon he's going to go alone."  
  
She watched as Frodo resolutely put the ring back into his pocket and made his way to one of the boats.  
  
"Should I stay or should I go?" Murmured Kate as she saw him push the boat out.  
  
**************************************************************************** **************************  
  
And that's a damn good question. See I don't know whether to send Kate with Frodo & Sam, Let her go with Merry & Pippin or leave her with Legolas, Gimli & Aragorn. I was intending to let her go with Merry & Pippin as I know their journey best, or perhaps with Gimli, Legolas & Aragorn as I know what happens to them too. Frodo & Sam would be more of a challenge and it would mean that I'd have to re-read their part of the books. But hey - I'm a fast reader (and I did the Pippin & Merry journey last time) so any ideas on this?  
  
I WOULD APPRECIATE FEEDBACK HERE......  
  
R&R pleazzzzzzz look I'm getting desperate. What do I need to do? Cookie? Anything? Just review it dammit! 


	7. A welcome break

Still owning nothing....  
  
A Welcome Break  
  
"Hello Kate!"  
  
"You! What are you doing here?"  
  
"Just wondered how you were getting on in middle earth."  
  
"I want to go home. NOW!"  
  
"Well now I can't do that."  
  
"Why not? You sent me here. You can damn well send me back too!"  
  
"Well, you see the readers wan't more chapters."  
  
"I don't care about your readers. This is my life!"  
  
"Now now, that's no way to speak to the author, Kate. Besides I've got a little problem."  
  
"What? Don't tell me you can't send me back!"  
  
"No, no. No trouble with that - although you only get to go back at the end of the story."  
  
"Which is when exactly?"  
  
"Haven't you read the books I left you?"  
  
"What books?"  
  
"You know - the bag I gave to you? They're in there."  
  
Kate opened up the bag she'd been given back in her house to find three books.  
  
"These? You expect me to read these?"  
  
"Well I did..."  
  
"No way, they're huge! Just send me home."  
  
"No can do Kate. But I can give you a choice."  
  
"What choice?"  
  
"Well... You can either go with Sam and Frodo, Merry and Pippin or Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn. I can't decide. Which would you prefer?"  
  
"None of them."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I can't decide. Hmm. Sure you don't have a preference? You have to go with one of them."  
  
"Which one's easiest?"  
  
"Well, Mordor's pretty rubbish with spiders and Gollum. There's Isengard with Saruman or you can have Rohan with Theoden and Wormtongue."  
  
"Which one's the best?"  
  
"Spiders & Gollum, orcs and an evil wizard or a king with a seriously sinister sidekick."  
  
"Can I decide in the next chapter?"  
  
"Fine. Just pick one will ya? It's driving me nuts."  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Am seriously considering sending her on all 3 journeys as you all want something different. Can't decide. More opinions (and reasons for them) please!!!!!!!!  
  
Ps get well soon Kate's boyfriend. I spoke to her earlier and he's been in hospital with hepatitis...... 


	8. Decisions (finally) & Back to work

Still owning nowt. Kate's boyfriend is home recuperating. Thanks for the reviews. I love you all too! Kate is going with Merry and Pippin. Executive decision! Don't worry, she'll catch up with Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn eventually. But I think Kate would prefer a word with Saruman first about snow....  
  
Decisions. (Finally!)  
  
"So decided yet?"  
  
"I'm not fussed on spiders."  
  
"So no Frodo and Sam then. Which of the other two do you prefer? Rohan or Isengard?"  
  
"Who's where again?"  
  
"Theoden and Wormtongue in Rohan or Saruman and orcs at Isengard."  
  
"Saru... Wasn't he the bloke who caused the avalanche to land on my head?"  
  
"Yes that's him."  
  
"I'm going to Isengard. I've got a bone to pick with him."  
  
"Orcs and Isengard it is then. Ready?"  
  
"As I'll ever be..."  
  
"Let the story continue!"  
  
"Oh stop being so bloody pleased with yourself!"  
  
Back to work!  
  
Kate watched as Frodo set out alone across the river, "Nothing on this earth is getting me back in a boat!" She commented as she got up and made her way through the trees.  
  
Before she knew where she was suddenly something grabbed her from behind, picked her up and carried her off.  
  
"Hey!" She cried before noticing that whatever it was that had picked her up was most certainly not human. Deciding that it would be better if she kept quiet Kate shut her mouth just as her head caught a low branch on a tree, knocking her out.  
  
***  
  
Kate came around to find that she was tied up.  
  
"I don't know who or what the hell you are but you'd better untie me or else!" She threatened.  
  
"Rest while you can, little fool! We'll find a use for your legs before long. You'll wish you had none before we get home."  
  
The next thing Kate knew she was being picked up before passing out yet again.  
  
***  
  
Kate eventually resurfaced when one of the creatures cut the rope around her feet. The orcs shoved Kate forward to make her run. Unfortunately they'd never come across Kate before.  
  
"If you think I'm running for you, you've got another thing coming. My legs hurt and..."  
  
Before she could finish a flask was forced to her mouth and she was made to drink. Several orcs laughed as they watched her face. They laughed even louder when she spat it back in Ugluk's face.  
  
Ugluk responded by slapping Kate hard across the face. Kate became very still and quiet for a moment before muttering, "I'll get you back for that you ugly... Whatever the heck you are."  
  
Ugluk ignored her threat and dragged her to her feet. The company marched back towards Isengard. 


	9. The road to Isengard

Still owning next to nothing. Poor me. And a big boo hiss going out to an individual named Tom (no he didn't review or anything) who said I did nothing all day. Miserable flipping individual... (and various other unprintable things that I won't say).  
  
I'm taking great liberties with the text in this one. Yeah I know Ugluk got killed by the riders in the book but I want Kate to meet Saruman. So on with the story...  
  
The road to Isengard.  
  
Perhaps it was the drink spat back in face incident that really annoyed Ugluk. Kate wasn't sure. Whatever it was he didn't let her out of his sight. Not even when Pippin and Merry managed to make their escape. While being attacked by the Riders of Rohan Ugluk managed to make his escape and took Kate back to his master in Isengard.  
  
***  
  
Kate was flung to the floor by Ugluk once inside the Orthanc. Groaning she managed to sit up.  
  
"Is that any way to treat a guest?" Asked a voice.  
  
Kate looked around to see a very tall man dressed in white. Long hair and long beard.  
  
"What is it with you people and the lack of razors?"  
  
"I am Saruman."  
  
"You're Saruman? Hmm."  
  
"Take her away Ugluk. We shall see what she knows later."  
  
Ugluk picked Kate back up and took her to a small room, throwing her into it he slammed the door and locked it while sniggering to himself.  
  
Kate rolled onto her side, groaning in pain. "You never mentioned this was going to hurt!"  
  
***  
  
After spending several hours alone Kate had finally managed to work loose the rope that was binding her hands. She didn't do it because she wanted to escape, that thought hadn't actually crossed her mind, it was more to do with the itch she had on her back that she couldn't reach with her hands still tied.  
  
"Ohh that feels good." She sighed having finally scratched the itch.  
  
The face of Ugluk appeared as the door swung open. Kate looked at him for a moment.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Saruman will see you. NOW."  
  
"And what if I don't want to see him?"  
  
Ugluk's only response was to grab Kate's arm and drag her to where Saruman was.  
  
***  
  
"So you're Saruman."  
  
"I am child."  
  
"Good."  
  
"I am pleased to see you."  
  
"Not half as pleased as I am to see you." Kate informed him, slowly edging closer to where he sat.  
  
Saruman, like Ugluk had never come across Kate before. Perhaps that explains why he was taken unawares as she kicked him in a particularly sensitive spot.  
  
"That's for the snow." She stated as she grabbed his staff, before knocking him across the head with it. "That's for the kidnap." She commented clouting him again. "That's for the imprisonment. And this..." She paused as she looked down at the now rather bruised Saruman, "This is just for the heck of it!" She hit him hard again.  
  
***  
  
Two hours later Kate was imprisoned on the top of the Orthanc. Unfortunately Ugluk had walked in on the conference between her and Saruman at a most inopportune moment, much to Kate's disgust. Although she did manage to hit him quite hard with the staff before he and Saruman managed to overpower her.  
  
***  
  
"It's cold and wet up here y'know!" Kate called up at the sky.  
  
"Sorry 'bout the rain Kate. Did you enjoy hitting Saruman?"  
  
"Yeah. Can I get to hit him again for chucking me up here?"  
  
"Maybe later. Have you looked in the bag recently?"  
  
"I am NOT reading those books!"  
  
"No, no. Different plan now. Can you see what I think I put in there?"  
  
"You mean the?"  
  
"Yes, that's right."  
  
"You want me to use it?"  
  
"Yeah what the heck. Should be a laugh."  
  
"He he! This is going to be fun!"  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************  
  
Ha ha! What's in the bag? I know, you don't I'll tell you soon - promise. Sorry to all the Mordor fans - I did try but it got too much for me, besides which I'm not sure it would have been so amusing. Have already planned Kate's next encounter with Legolas - chuckle chuckle... I'm evil.  
  
Oh - anyone with any problems about Kate taking on Saruman. Trust me - in real life she seems calm but you wouldn't want to cross her..... Watch out Ugluk! R&R please! 


	10. More Saruman

Still owning absolutely nothing. Lucky, lucky me!  
  
More Saruman.  
  
Dawn broke across Isengard. Saruman was surveying his land from outside along with Ugluk when they heard a voice.  
  
"Hey Saruman! Yoo-hoo! Whaddya think?" Kate called.  
  
Saruman and Ugluk turned their faces upward to where Kate was. Their jaws dropped in utter horror and disbelief.  
  
Kate cracked up laughing at their expressions. "I thought I should brighten the place up a bit!"  
  
The Orthanc once a dull grey blackish colour now had another colour on the top. Well actually another two colours. Luminous pink and bright blue writing was emblazoned around the Orthanc saying;  
  
'SARUMAN IS A MORON AND UGLUK IS A WANNABE PIMP'  
  
"Do ya like? It's kinda difficult to write upside down. I think some of it ran." Kate shouted down gleefully.  
  
Saruman raised his staff and started trying to remove the graffiti. Unfortunately the spray cans that Kate used contained a substance that Saruman knew nothing about, hence the writing remained the same, except for the fact that now it seemed to be flashing like a neon sign.  
  
Kate collapsed into helpless laughter.  
  
***  
  
The writing was flashing when the Ents arrived, bringing with them Merry and Pippin. The writing was still flashing when Theoden arrived with Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and the Riders of Rohan.  
  
"What new devilry is this?" Theoden asked in wonder and fear at the sight of the graffiti flashing atop of the Orthanc like a homing beacon.  
  
Gandalf looked up bemused to the top of the Orthanc to see a small figure waving down at them.  
  
"That would be Kate." He answered.  
  
***  
  
As Kate was waving down Saruman decided that it would be safer for her to be inside as a bargaining chip. Suddenly Kate found herself back inside and being held by Ugluk.  
  
"Dammit you stupid Uruk-hai!" (Kate had finally found out what Ugluk was) "Take your hands off me right now!"  
  
Ugluk just held her arms behind her back tighter.  
  
"Fine, you asked for it." Kate stamped down sharply on Ugluk's foot. She spun around and swiftly kicked him where she knew it would hurt, making him keel over. "I told you to let me go!" She declared before walking out of the room and into where Saruman was having a discussion with Gandalf from the window.  
  
"And you will let the Lady known as Kate go." Kate heard Gandalf declare.  
  
"Let her go? My bargaining chip? I think you will have to do better than that dear friend." Saruman answered, unaware that Kate stood directly behind him. Kate spied Saruman's staff leaning against the wall. She picked it up and swung at the unsuspecting Saruman.  
  
"Come my friend surely...Oof!" Saruman exclaimed as his staff caught him on the back of the head.  
  
"Won't let me go huh?" Kate cried whacking him again. "You and what army is going to stop me?"  
  
Ugluk marched into the room. "You again. Don't you ever learn?"  
  
Ugluk growled, pulling out his sword.  
  
"What is it with you and stupid weapons?" She cried dodging him as he raised his sword.  
  
The company below watched as Ugluk advanced on Kate. Just as he was about to deliver a killing blow, Ugluk fell from an arrow which hit him in the centre of his forehead.  
  
Kate looked up stunned, turning to the window to see Legolas putting his bow away.  
  
"What the hell was that?" She screeched, glaring down at him. "You could have killed me!"  
  
**************************************************************************** *********************  
  
My God! Tom was right! I don't do anything all day! Twice updated in a couple of hours! I'm just too darn generous to you all! And how's that for a chapter? Did you like the graffiti? More tricks from Kate's bag to come. Well it keeps me amused! 


	11. Away from Isengard

Have to do the most depressing thing to do in about 1hr. Let's see if I can cheer myself up a bit first....  
  
Still don't own anything... Am now even more depressed with that knowledge.....  
  
Away from Isengard.  
  
Kate walked out of the room she was in and made for the door, only to be confronted by Wormtongue.  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
"Grima Wormtongue."  
  
"Well Grima, get the hell outta my way or else."  
  
Wormtongue tried to stop Kate, but she still had Saruman's staff which she used to hit him. Hard. Across the head. As he staggered forward dazed by Kate's blow, she shoved him aside and made for the door. The company outside were soon faced with the sight of an extremely pissed Kate storming out of the Orthanc with Saruman's staff and slamming the door on Wormtongue's fingers as he had just managed to catch up with her.  
  
A moment later the palantir came flying towards Kate's head. Kate caught it and was about to throw it back at Wormtongue when Pippin took it off her.  
  
"Hey! I'm not that bad a shot y'know!" She said glaring at Pippin  
  
"Here, my lad I'll take that!" Cried Gandalf sharply taking the palantir from Pippin's grasp.  
  
"Hey that's mine! He threw it at me!"  
  
Gandalf ignored Kate's voice and set off back towards his horse.  
  
***  
  
"You want me to what?"  
  
"You must ride. Can you not ride?" Asked Aragorn frowning.  
  
Legolas started to laugh.  
  
"No I can't ride. Can you drive a car?" Kate answered glaring at Legolas as he continued to laugh.  
  
"Then you must ride with me." Aragorn stated calmly, although deep down wishing he could leave her behind. He mounted, then hoisted Kate up behind him. Kate held on to him for dear life, with her bag on her back and her staff clenched firmly in her right hand.  
  
The fact that she still had the staff was something of a miracle for Gandalf had tried to take it off her.  
  
"It's mine!" Kate cried hotly.  
  
"It is not yours, it must be destroyed." Gandalf answered irately  
  
"Look, you took the ball thing and that was mine as well. Finders keepers. Losers weepers."  
  
"You cannot wield it, it is too powerful for you."  
  
"You've got one!"  
  
"I am a wizard. It is my right."  
  
"Yeah? Big fucking thrills." She paused, and then said with a gleam in her eye, "If you want it, come and get it."  
  
Gandalf sighed angrily before advancing towards Kate. A moment later he was sent reeling backwards after Kate delivered a particularly nasty blow to his cranium.  
  
"Who says I can't wield it now then hmm?" She said while grinning at Gandalf, who was holding his head feeling the large bruise that was already forming on the back of his skull.  
  
"Look, everyone else carries weapons. This is mine. Fair enough?"  
  
Gandalf turned away muttering curses beneath his breath while massaging his aching head.  
  
***  
  
They left Isengard with the graffiti on the Orthanc still flashing brightly. The ride to Edoras was accomplished eventually with Gandalf departing for Minas Tirith and Theoden to Dunharrow. Kate was still unused to riding, but much to Aragorn's relief she did little complaining. This was not due to any good feeling on Kate's part, more a fear that if she opened her eyes and saw where she was going or opened her mouth to speak, she would loose her concentration of holding on to Aragorn. Something she was concentrating on very hard indeed.  
  
They were greeted by Lady Eowyn who was pleased to see them, most especially Aragorn, until she noticed that he rode with a woman.  
  
***  
  
Oooh Eowyn's jealous of Kate!!!! Don't know where that came from. *Grins* It just occurred to me that it might be funny... And watch out for Legolas's next encounter with Kate soon!!!!!!!!! (And I did this in well under an hour too - I'm off for some food..... And will then be depressed by the thing I have to do:-( Poor me.....) R&R and make me feel better! 


	12. Edoras & Eowyn

Still owning nowt. Depressing thing wasn't too bad. (Which was good!) On with the story......  
  
Edoras & Eowyn  
  
Eowyn's eyes narrowed as she watched Aragorn dismount and then help Kate down. Kate almost fell as she got down from the horse. That such an ungracious creature rides with Aragorn! Thought Eowyn before she said.  
  
"Lords, welcome to Edoras, and who is this you bring with you? For I know her not."  
  
"This is Kate." Answered Aragorn. "We thank you for your welcome."  
  
"Lords, you are weary and shall now go to your beds with such ease as can be contrived in haste. But tomorrow fairer housing shall be found for you."  
  
Kate brightened up with the word "bed" before Aragorn replied.  
  
"Nay, lady, be not troubled for us!" (Kate groaned) "If we may lie here tonight and break our fast tomorrow, it will be enough. For I ride on an errand most urgent, and with the first light of morning we must go."  
  
Kate shook her head. More riding! Why couldn't they have cars here? She wondered. It's not flippin' fair!  
  
"Then it was kindly done, lord, to ride so many miles out of your way to bring tidings to Eowyn, and speak with her in her exile."  
  
Kate looked up at a smiling Eowyn and a suspicion formed in her mind.  
  
***  
  
Kate had just enjoyed her long hot bath and had wandered back into her room, her towel wrapped tightly around her. She wandered over to the cupboard, semi-dreading what would be in there after Eowyn had said she would take Kate's clothes away to be cleaned. Kate was now faced with the prospect of wearing a dress. Which didn't really bother her, she liked dresses, only not the floor length sweeping variety that was currently in vogue in middle earth.  
  
She opened the cupboard door and gasped in utter horror.  
  
"I am NOT wearing that."  
  
On the hanger in front of her was possibly the ugliest excuse for a dress Kate had ever seen.  
  
"Okay, sure I'm not fussed on the type Arwen and that Galadriel woman was wearing, but they had y'know a certain charm, but this! This is just. URGH!" She exclaimed taking the dress from the cupboard as though a closer look would perhaps improve matters. It didn't.  
  
"And what's that foul smell?" She asked sniffing the air. "My God! It's the dress! ARGH!" She flung it onto the floor as far away as she could manage, before dashing back into the other room to wash her hands.  
  
***  
  
Kate sat on her bed glaring at the dress which she could smell from where she sat, even though it was on the other side of the room from her.  
  
"What the hell am I gonna do now? I don't have anything to wear!" She cried the familiar cry of woman in every land. Although for Kate it was literal.  
  
She heard muffled laughter coming from the room next to her. Kate was curious, knowing that next to her room was Legolas's room. She wandered to the wall and decided to eavesdrop.  
  
"She cannot ride! She cannot fight! The woman is useless!" She heard Legolas declare before the room exploded into more laughter.  
  
Kate's ears burned, along with her anger. So I'm useless am I? She thought angrily. I am gonna teach you a lesson mate!  
  
"Come we must go to Eowyn for our meal." Said another voice that Kate didn't recognise, she heard the room empty and then debated on her course of action.  
  
I wonder what else is in that bag? She pondered.  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
Oh dear oh dear. Leggy's gonna get it. Never cross Kate! 


	13. Revenge of the Kate kind

Not owning anything. Thanks to Sarah for the 'smelling dress' idea. She can't read this yet as she hasn't read all the books..... Poor Sarah!  
  
Revenge of the Kate kind  
  
Kate didn't appear at the meal, the company (especially Eowyn) was glad of this. Kate remained in her room, she had planned and acted upon her cunning plan, now all she had to do was wait.  
  
It was late in the evening when Legolas finally returned to his room. His head ached from the wine he had drunk during the meal, elvish wine was not as strong as the wine in Edoras.  
  
Legolas realised that he needed to drink something non-alcoholic before he went to bed as they had an early start the next day. He saw that there was a decanter filled with water by the side of his bed with a glass. He ignored the glass and drank all the water straight from the decanter. Wiping his mouth with his sleeve he managed to replace the decanter on the table before collapsing into a deep sleep.  
  
***  
  
Kate strode in the next morning in clothes that seemed vaguely familiar to Aragorn. Where have I seen them before? He wondered.  
  
Kate gave into her mischievous spirit totally when she saw the looks Eowyn was giving Aragorn. Sheep's eyes! She thought, talk about being obvious! He's a taken man! Hmm. She made her way to the table where most of the company sat, choosing a seat next to Aragorn, with Eowyn sitting on his other side.  
  
"Aragorn," She said in her sweetest voice, trying to gain his attention.  
  
Aragorn turned swiftly, not on any eagerness to hear Kate's conversation, more to get away from Eowyn's.  
  
"Yes Kate?"  
  
"Can I ride with you again today? I really enjoyed it yesterday."  
  
Aragorn was dumbfounded. Kate was flirting with him! The whole big eyes, fluttering eyelashes and she was moving closer to him! What is going on? He thought worriedly.  
  
Kate moved closer and whispered in his ear, keeping an eye on Eowyn's face which had started to turn red.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm don't really like you. And I know all about Arwen." She murmured reassuringly into his ear.  
  
Aragorn smiled and almost sighed with relief. He stopped himself when he noticed just how red Eowyn's face was out of the corner of his eye. Thanking his lucky stars that Kate really didn't want him in any way, shape or form he decided to respond in kind.  
  
"Thank you." He whispered.  
  
"No problem. I've got someone back home anyway." She answered before frowning, "I hope he's ok without me."  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas groaned as he woke his head still pounding. "By the Valar, what is that vile smell?" He questioned before heaving himself out of bed. He got up and walked groggily out his room remembering that he had gone to bed without undressing, and so he made his way to the rest of the company.  
  
**************************************************************************  
  
Need I say anymore? R&R please. 


	14. Legolas goes to the ball

Still owning zilch. You know what's gonna happen next....  
  
Legolas goes to the ball  
  
The room went silent as Legolas entered. No one could believe their eyes. Only Kate seemed calm on the sight of Legolas in a dress.  
  
"Now I know where I saw those clothes before." Muttered Aragorn as he looked at Kate trying to restrain his laughter.  
  
Kate sat innocently eating an apple. Realising that the room desperately wanted to laugh before it exploded she took it upon herself to speak.  
  
"Nice dress Legolas."  
  
The entire room burst into howls of laughter, Gimli had tears rolling down his face banging his fist on the table, Aragorn shook his head unable to speak and some of the Dunedain actually collapsed onto the floor in helpless mirth. After looking down at his clothes Legolas stalked out of the room.  
  
***  
  
"I will not ride with her after what she did. To think I saved her life!"  
  
Aragorn looked at Legolas with a serious expression on his face, although in his mind all he could see was Legolas in the dress. Kate was on the other side of the room, nonchalantly fiddling with her hair.  
  
They had to physically restrain Legolas from hurting Kate earlier, not helped by Kate declaring "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough elfy!"  
  
Fortunately things calmed down eventually, once everyone managed to keep from bursting out  
  
laughing whenever they looked at Legolas.  
  
"I demand that I have my clothes back!"  
  
"You can have 'em when I've got mine." Kate stated, still fiddling with her hair, gazing into a mirror. "P'raps I should have a lighter colour next time I have my hair done." She pondered aloud.  
  
Aragorn looked at Gimli mouthing silently "Watch them both while I am gone." He left the room in search of Eowyn and Kate's clothes.  
  
***  
  
Aragorn eventually returned with Kate's clothes, which were now clean. Kate grabbed them off Aragorn, darted into her room and was back within five minutes, handing Legolas his clothes neatly folded. Legolas grumbled something about burning them as soon as possible, Kate didn't bother replying, contenting herself with a death glare sent in his direction.  
  
"Are you sure you will ride with us?" Aragorn questioned Kate, "Eowyn has offered to let you stay here."  
  
"Tempting offer but no." Answered Kate firmly.  
  
"May I ask why?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"One, she can't stand me cos she thinks that you prefer me to her." Legolas snorted at this in disbelief, Kate ignored him and continued. "Two, she gives me clothes like that dress to wear, I mean come on, not only was it ugly, but it smelt. Bad. That's no way to treat any guest regardless of what you think of them. Three, Her already low opinion of me is even lower now after I er umm 'borrowed' Legolas's clothes."  
  
"Borrowed? Stole." Legolas commented matter of factly.  
  
"Borrowed!" Kate insisted firmly, "Why the heck would I wanna keep them anyway?"  
  
"Enough!" Cried Aragorn seeing that Legolas was about to argue the point. "Kate. Why would her 'already low opinion' of you be worse after what you did?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Legolas muttered beneath his breath. Aragorn frowned at him before turning his gaze back to Kate.  
  
"Well, it's y'know." Kate said, then noticing the puzzled glances everybody including Legolas was giving her she continued, "I had to strip him didn't I? She thinks I'm some kind of um..." Kate paused wondering what word they would understand "Loose woman. Seeing him naked."  
  
Legolas felt himself blush, as did several other members of the room.  
  
"What? It's not like I haven't seen it before. I LIVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND. It's normal where I'm from, ok?" She continued, "God what are you people? My mother?" She asked exasperated by their silence.  
  
"You will ride with us." Aragorn said recovering from his embarrassment, "We leave immediately."  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************  
  
Bye bye jealous Eowyn! What? It's not like Tolkien ever said they were all sex crazed in middle earth. They could be really innocent and naive for all we know. Oh and Legolas's sexuality is undisputed, its ambiguous just like it is in the books. Although I'd prefer him not to be gay too.....  
  
Ps for those of you who read my other story - Faith is BACK! Currently titled 'Cos you gotta have... The return' please check it out..... (nobody seems to want to. *Sob*) Haven't done much on it yet - but I would seriously appreciate any feedback..... 


	15. Away from Edoras

Still owning absolutely nothing. What a surprise.  
  
Away from Edoras  
  
The company finally left Edoras and made their way to the Paths of the Dead. Kate rode with Aragorn, although now she was slightly more relaxed on the horse and could open her eyes and speak.  
  
"How did you manage to undress Legolas without waking him?" Aragorn enquired.  
  
"Had a bit of help." Kate answered, "I spiked his water with sleeping pills."  
  
Aragorn smiled and shook his head as he looked over to where Legolas was riding with Gimli. He still could not get the image of Legolas in that dress out of his head.  
  
At last the company came to the Dark Door. Everyone felt the evil emanating from within. The company dismounted and began to make their way through the Door. Kate shivered as she entered and clenched her staff tighter.  
  
***  
  
Once through the cave the company came out into a ravine. Here they re- mounted and rode in file.  
  
"The Dead are following, I see shapes of Men and of horses, and pale banners like shreds of cloud, and spears like winter-thickets on a misty night. The Dead are following." Said Legolas.  
  
"Yes the Dead ride behind. They have been summoned," Said Elladan.  
  
"Can't see what use they are though." Muttered Kate, "If they're already dead. Ghosts can't fight can they?"  
  
***  
  
The company sped up as they rode on, after Aragorn declared, "Friends, forget your weariness! Ride, now, ride! We must come to the Stone of Erech ere this day passes, and long still is the way."  
  
"Forgetting your weariness is easier said than done y'know." Kate mumbled into Aragorn's ear as he spurred his mount onwards.  
  
Eventually they came to the Stone of Erech. Aragorn dismounted, stood by the Stone and cried in a great voice:  
  
"Oathbreakers, why have ye come?"  
  
Kate heard a voice answer him which sounded as if it were from far away:  
  
"To fulfil our oath and have peace."  
  
"The hour is come at last." Aragorn said, "Now I go to Pelagir upon Anduin, and ye shall come after me. And when all this land is clean of the servants of Sauron, I will hold that oath fulfilled, and ye shall have peace and depart for ever. For I am Elessar, Isidur's heir of Gondor."  
  
"So there!" Kate whispered beneath her breath.  
  
***  
  
The company camped around the Stone, unable to sleep because of the fear of what surrounded them. All except Kate, who collapsed into a deep sleep as soon as she dismounted. Aragorn noted the box she held in her hand and guessed that Kate was determined to get some sleep regardless of what was around her.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
ok boring chapter I know. Don't worry - Kate goes into battle soon! Look out Sauron and his evil minions! Kate's a'comin! 


	16. I am sailing...

Still the owner of a big nothing. Kate finally knows about her fame and is planning her world domination as we speak.... And there will be a LOT of Author/Character speak in the next couple of chapters. Consider yourself warned...  
  
I am sailing...  
  
"Bleurgh!" Kate was not feeling well.  
  
"What's up with you?"  
  
"I hate ships. You know that."  
  
"Sorry. It's part of the story."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Just pass me the bucket."  
  
"Here. Going into battle tomorrow?"  
  
"Do I have to?"  
  
"Well um, yes actually."  
  
"Damn! I'd better survive this."  
  
"Would I kill you?"  
  
"You sent me on this..."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous! Of course you'll survive."  
  
"Hmm. Can I have some super powers or something? You know, amaze them with my skills of fighting?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Aww, come on. I mean I've come all this way. And they still think I'm useless. The least you could do is make me seem really hard and stuff."  
  
"I can't make you become a brilliant archer or sword fighter or anything. It'll ruin the plot."  
  
"Bloody authors...Bleurgh!"  
  
***  
  
"I'm coming with you tomorrow." Kate stated firmly as Aragorn laid his battle plans to Gimli and Legolas.  
  
"You?" Legolas spluttered in disbelief. "Aragorn, she cannot..."  
  
"Oh shut up for once Mr I am so full of myself Greenleaf."  
  
"Kate..." Began Gimli.  
  
"No, don't you start either. I AM coming. Whether you lot like it or not."  
  
***  
  
Kate stood near Aragorn in the battle. Amazingly she actually managed to fight although Kate was more in 'knocking the enemy unconscious' mode as opposed to the 'killing' mode everybody else was in. Her staff was particularly suited to the roll, and orc after orc fell to the blows of Kate, to be finished off by the Dunedain who had taken Kate to their hearts after the episode of Legolas's dress.  
  
***  
  
Kate stood looking across the battlefield. For once the full horror of what had taken place lay out before her.  
  
"Oh God." She whispered.  
  
"Thanks, but not quite that yet."  
  
"Why is this happening?"  
  
"It's war Kate. In their world they have one chance to finish off evil for good. If they win that's it. No more war, no more evil. Well at least that's it in theory."  
  
"It's not fair."  
  
"On them? The creatures who die? No it's not fair. But wouldn't it be better to destroy the evil than to sit by and watch it destroy all that you love? That's what this war is for them, a last stand."  
  
"I don't understand it."  
  
"Come on Kate. You did history. This place isn't the only place to have war. We've had it too, y'know. All through history. Hell, they thought the First World War was the 'War to end all Wars' and then we had the Second. The difference between them and us is this is it. If they win, it's all over. Peace, happiness, the whole package."  
  
"Then I'm fighting when they go off. Proper fighting, not just knocking them on the head."  
  
"You're sure? You can stay in Minas Tirith y'know."  
  
"No. I'm going. Will you help me?"  
  
"To bump off a few of the enemy? Hmm. I'll see what I can do..."  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Kate finally understands the meaning of war, but will Legolas ever actually forgive her for the dress? 


	17. Off to battle. Again.

Bow down to the all powerful Kate! (Soon to be heard across every nation once her inevitable world domination kicks in)  
  
And I still don't own anything! Life sucks.  
  
Off to battle. Again.  
  
Kate rode with Aragorn once again. Kate had taken it upon herself to give him a few tips for a happily married life.  
  
"Now don't forget, birthdays, anniversaries. They're all important. Just cos you're a king doesn't mean you can forget. Hey, you could make them national holidays so it's easier to remember!"  
  
The riders close to Aragorn stifled their laughter. Although riding off to Mordor was not exactly high on anybody's enjoyment list, Kate's conversation was keeping up spirits quite well. Although it must be said, Kate was oblivious to this.  
  
After many days of riding they finally came to the Black Gate. Kate's words which had been continuous throughout the march were finally silenced at the sight of the Lieutenant of the Tower of Barad-dur.  
  
"I am the mouth of Sauron."  
  
"Funny looking mouth." Kate mumbled into Aragorn's ear.  
  
*************************************************************************  
  
Yeah I know it's short and all, but I wanted a whole chapter just for Kate's efforts in battle..... 


	18. It's the final countdown...

Still owning nothing and hey! It's the battle scene! Hooray!  
  
It's the final countdown...  
  
Battle commenced. Kate heaved her staff up, hoping to do some serious damage. Unfortunately, no matter how hard she hit the creatures coming towards her she didn't seem to be doing any damage.  
  
"Dammit! I could do with some help here!" She cried as an orc attempted to take off her head with it's sword.  
  
"Hey I'm working on it."  
  
"Well work faster!" She said diving out of the way of an arrow aimed at her chest. "I'm getting crushed here!"  
  
"Okay, okay. I've got it!"  
  
"Well what is it? OUCH!"  
  
"You've already got it!"  
  
"I don't have time for this! Hurry up and tell me before I end up dead!"  
  
"Kate, you idiot, who did you get your staff from?"  
  
"What this?" She asked clouting yet another orc with her staff. "That brainless evil wannabe Saruman. Why?"  
  
"And what does Saruman do?"  
  
"How the fuck should I know? Stop asking stupid bloody questions and help me dammit! I'm getting killed out here." She said swatting another orc.  
  
"I'm trying." (Getting irate) "What is Saruman? His job. What is it?"  
  
"I dunno. Oh wait, he's a wizard!" She ducked from an incoming arrow.  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"So?" She asked getting up, only to duck back down again almost immediately.  
  
"SO? You ask me so? You've got his staff you idiot! Use it!"  
  
"I AM USING HIS STAFF!" She shouted, hitting an orc.  
  
"NOOOO! THE OTHER WAY UP!!!!"  
  
Kate mumbled and reversed her hold on the staff she was holding. Nothing happened.  
  
"There see? Nothing."  
  
"Oh flippin' heck. Do I have to tell you to do everything? Say something dammit!"  
  
"Fine!" Kate said angrily, "Although what I'm supposed to say..."  
  
"Say anything! Look Out!"  
  
Kate dived for cover as another orc arrow came straight at her. "Oh god oh god. Umm. Make it a flower!" She cried pointing her staff towards the arrow.  
  
The former arrow floated to the ground shedding it's petals as it fell.  
  
"Cool" Kate said in awe. "This is gonna be fun!"  
  
***  
  
Sauron watched from his tower in disbelief as his evil armies started turning into all manner of objects. One entire section of his orc army became very fluffy pink bunny rabbits. His Lieutenant suffered an even worse fate, becoming a pair of crimson lips, floating in the air.  
  
"Hah! Mouth of Sauron!" Kate called at it. "You look more like a mouth now!"  
  
A Ringwraith rode towards Kate determined to rid middle earth of her. Kate turned to face it.  
  
"Hmm." She pondered as it raised it's sword to strike. "Are you gonna hurt me with that fish?"*  
  
The Ringwraith stared at the fish in it's hand where it's sword once was and then looked back at Kate in utter terror. It retreated, fleeing Kate, but not before she changed it's robes from black to bright yellow.  
  
***  
  
Legolas and Gimli were surrounded.  
  
"I fear this is the end my friend." Gimli cried as he saw the seething masses of the enemy all around him and the elf.  
  
"It has been good to be your friend Gimli." Legolas answered as he used his last arrow drawing his swords out, determined to do as much damage as possible before he fell.  
  
Kate saw them from a distance as she was on a slight incline overlooking the battle, she was getting tired from all the energy she was using in changing creatures. "I suppose I owe him something for the dress." She muttered as she turned her staff towards the creatures that surrounded them. "Make them puppies."  
  
Legolas could not believe his eyes. What was once evil hoards were now adorable little puppies. "By the Valar, I have either gone mad or gone to Mandos." He said dazed by his visions.  
  
"Nay, Legolas. I see them too." Gimli said in wonder.  
  
"What could have caused such a... a..."  
  
Gimli noticed someone pointing what looked suspiciously like Saruman's old staff vaguely in their direction and answered. "Methinks it was Kate."  
  
***  
  
Sauron watched as his armies fell to Kate. If his eye could have wept, it would have. Kate however was still not finished.  
  
"Who's the guy who started all this then?"  
  
"That would be Sauron."  
  
"And he is where exactly?"  
  
"Well um, currently he's an eye. In his tower. Over there."  
  
"What do you mean 'He's an eye'?"  
  
"Well that's all he is currently. Unless he gets the ring back anyway. The living embodiment of evil is a great lidless eye. Rimmed with flame. His eye is ever searching..." (Author begins to wax lyrical about Sauron)  
  
"What's up with you? Got a crush or something?"  
  
"Me? Over an eye? Don't be..."  
  
"You've got a crush, you've got a crush!" Kate began singing annoyingly. "Author and Sauron in a tree..."  
  
"I do not have a crush! On anyone! Or anything for that matter!"  
  
"Crushing on an eye..." Kate murmured.  
  
"Whaddya wanna know for anyway?"  
  
"Just wondered."  
  
"What are you up to?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Liar."  
  
***********************************************************  
  
Oh dear oh dear. What has Kate got in store for Sauron? I don't actually know yet. This seems to be writing itself. Although unfortunately it's still making me type it out... And what did we think about Kate's magical powers? Like? Hate? Please R&R.  
  
Look I have no life whatsoever - R&R and make me feel better.  
  
Hey what are you still doing here?  
  
This chapter's over.  
  
Honest.  
  
* I nicked that idea from a film. Can't think of the title (hey it's 4:24am at the moment - my brain's a little frazzled) Alan Rickman says the line. He plays an angel. Damn what is the title? This is going to bug me...  
  
And this chapter really is over. I'm off to bed...  
  
Good night...  
  
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 


	19. Sauron Wept (or The Wrath Of Kate)

Of course it was Dogma! *Slaps head in stupidity* Thanks to everyone who reminded me. I just lurve Alan Rickman in that. And in Harry Potter. And in Robin Hood. And in... Sorry where am I again?  
  
Oh yeah I remember. I own nothing. But I would like Alan Rickman and Orlando Bloom for Christmas please Santa. Or perhaps for Easter Mr Easter Bunny?  
  
Thanks for all the reviews again. Am already semi planning Kate's next adventure. Hmm.  
  
Sauron Wept (Or the Wrath Of Kate)  
  
Kate marched into the tower intent on getting Sauron where he...er... floated. Aragorn watched, stunned at the look of determination on Kate's face and prayed that when he got married Arwen never had the same expression. And somewhere deep inside he also felt pity for what Sauron was about to face. The wrath of Kate.  
  
Kate ignored all the armies of darkness as they fled before her. She carried on marching until she finally found Sauron. Or more accurately, Sauron's eye.  
  
"So you're Sauron then."  
  
Sauron, if he had a body, it would have been seen to flinch. If he'd had an eyelid he would have blinked. As it was he merely flamed dimmer.  
  
"I am Sauron." He eventually admitted.  
  
"This is all your fault then." Kate stated glaring at the eye. "If I was your mother I'd be very ashamed."  
  
"I am the evil lord of middle earth."  
  
"No, actually I think you'll find you're an eye. And not even a good looking one at that. You been drinking? Your eye looks very red and enflamed."  
  
Sauron had had enough of Kate. He moved closer to her to attempt to destroy her.  
  
"Oy! What you trying to do? Get a better look?" Kate cried as Sauron floated towards her. "That's it! You've asked for it!"  
  
***  
  
Outside a voice cried "The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!"  
  
The Nazgul turned and fled, hearing a sudden terrible call out of the Dark Tower; and even at that moment all the armies of Mordor trembled, doubt clutched their hearts, their laughter failed, their hands shook and their limbs were loosed. The Power that drove them on and filled them with hate and fury was wavering.  
  
"What causes their fear I wonder?" Gimli questioned. "The power has lessened. I can feel it. What could cause this?"  
  
Aragorn answered with one word. "Kate."  
  
************************************************  
  
Leaving it there for now. What's Kate going to do to Sauron? Oh it's evil, trust me. R&R please! 


	20. The Name's...

Nicking from everywhere now! I own nothing - I've stolen it all from everywhere else!  
  
The Name's...  
  
Inside the Tower, Sauron whimpered as he looked at himself in the mirror. He now had a body. But the body was not his. "How can you be so cruel?"  
  
Kate laughed aloud.  
  
"Do you expect me to talk?"* He asked boldly, recovering himself remembering that he was still the dark lord of middle earth in his mind at least, if not in body.  
  
"No Mr Bloom, I expect you to cry!"* Kate answered as she spun his body back to face the mirror, grinning wickedly at what she had just done. She leaned in close to Sauron's new ear and whispered. "The name's Bloom. Orlando Bloom."*  
  
Sauron cringed at his reflection before his new ears picked up another sound besides Kate's hysterical laughter.  
  
"Is that?" He asked in utter horror.  
  
"Oh yeah, it's the whole package." Kate answered still laughing with tears running down her face.  
  
"Protect me!" He begged.  
  
"No way - You are on your own for this. You've only got yourself to blame. Or should that be Bloom?" Kate said punning dreadfully on Sauron's new surname.  
  
Sauron whimpered, falling to his knees pleading with Kate. "Please! I beg you. Anything is better than this!"  
  
"Take your hands off me! I'm taken!" She paused as she heard the sounds getting closer, "And shouldn't you be running around now?"  
  
Sauron jumped up and started towards the door when Kate's voice stopped him.  
  
"Just one other thing Sauron, dearest."  
  
"What?" Asked a harassed looking Orlando Bloom.  
  
"You looking Blooming gorgeous today!" She cried as his eyes alone gave her a backward glance of utter hatred before darting out of the door. She grinned as the sound of Sauron's new voice shrieked out in utter terror as the things making the awful noise finally found him.  
  
"Fangirls!" She chuckled.  
  
****************************************  
  
This is not the end! More from Kate soon. Poor poor Sauron. R&R please!  
  
*Obviously taken from Bond. With slight alterations. But you already knew that didn't you! Whaddya mean you didn't? Shame on you! Bond rules! 


	21. The Return Of The Kate?

Sorry I haven't updated for a few days - sometimes real life intrudes...  
  
Still owning nowt...  
  
The Return Of The Kate?  
  
Kate strolled out of the Tower looking very pleased with herself. The echoes of the new Sauron's screams (and those of the fangirls) following her. The battle was still continuing, although anything that saw Kate gave her a very wide berth.  
  
Suddenly the ground started to shake. Gandalf called in a clear voice, "Stand, Men of the West! Stand and wait! This is the hour of doom."  
  
The Towers of the Teeth swayed, tottered, and fell down; the mighty rampart crumbled; the Black Gate was hurled in ruin. "The realm of Sauron is ended!" Said Gandalf. "The Ringbearer has fulfilled his Quest."  
  
"I think it would have been better to leave him as he was." Muttered Kate realising that Sauron was no more and her brilliant revenge was short lived.  
  
***  
  
Kate could see that there was still fighting going on and although she was tired she decided to make one last effort in use of her staff. She raised it and quietly murmured a word underneath her breath.  
  
***  
  
"Anyone want a lift?" Kate called across the field from the seat of her brand new jeep. Brand new and full of fuel, Kate was no fool knowing perfectly well that a gas station in middle earth would be highly unlikely.  
  
Kate ended up driving back Gimli and Pippin. Gimli still preferring anything to riding on a horse and Pippin in no fit state to do anything.  
  
"Everybody buckled up?" Kate asked swivelling around to see her passengers. She checked their seat belts, which both had managed to do up correctly before turning back to start up the engine. Several shadows fell across the car. She looked up to see Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf and most of the Rangers gazing down at her from their horses.  
  
"Race you back?" She challenged.  
  
Legolas snorted in disbelief. How could such a contraption outdoShadowfax? Or indeed outdo any horse?  
  
"We will see you in the city. If you do not appear within a few days we will send out search parties to rescue you." Aragorn answered.  
  
This time Kate snorted in disbelief. "Search parties, my foot." She muttered. "Fine. On your marks, get set, GO!"  
  
The car stayed stationary as the others rode off into the distance. After an hour Kate leisurely reached down and started the engine.  
  
***  
  
Kate stood waiting by her car as the riders finally caught up with her. She had arrived back in the city well ahead of all them including Shadowfax. All they saw of her when she passed was a cloud of dust and Gimli and Pippin gesturing from the back seat at them. Making insulting signs.  
  
"Took your time." Kate commented as Aragorn eventually drew level with her.  
  
"A King is never late, Kate. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." Gandalf admonished her with a twinkle in his eye.  
  
"Yeah. Whatever. Still lost the race though didn'tcha!"  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Hmm, perhaps not the most inspired chapter but hey - it's been a long weekend.... R&R and make it better! 


	22. Does Middle Earth Have Strippers?

Oooh sorry faithful readers for taking sooo long over this. Seems my friends and family are conspiring against me and actually making me leave the house and my beloved stories. Grr!!! *Author makes mock growling noise in digust* And as I've been out so much recently - it only seems fair to include some alcohol in this chapter... (Don't worry - I am old enough to drink... Unfortunately - I'm getting old! *sob*)  
  
Still owning nothing. What a surprise...  
  
Does Middle Earth Have Strippers?  
  
"So what are you going to do then?" Kate asked gazing at several members of the Fellowship and the Rangers.  
  
"Do about what?" Pippin queried.  
  
"Well, He's getting married isn't he." She saw the puzzled looks on some of their faces. "Aragorn! He's getting married. Right?"  
  
"Yes he is." Gimli answered eventually.  
  
"So what are you doing then?"  
  
"Doing about what?" Merry asked.  
  
"His Stag Night!" She declared. The Fellowship looked as though Kate had gone insane. "Y'know - his last night of freedom? Haven't you ever heard of it? It's traditional."  
  
"I have not heard of this 'tradition'." Legolas said.  
  
"What do you do?" Sam questioned.  
  
"Well, you umm..." Kate trailed off wondering how she was going to answer this one. "You get drunk and stuff."  
  
"And stuff?" Legolas snorted.  
  
"Well I don't know what you get up to." Kate sighed exasperatedly.  
  
"How come?" Frodo asked , now completely bewildered. "You said it was traditional."  
  
"It is! But," Kate paused for a moment, "But I'm a girl so I don't go." She saw the questions that were about to be asked and added hurriedly, "I go on the Hen night. The ladies version. No men allowed. Well, no men from the wedding." She amended, thinking of the various Hen nights she had been on in the past.  
  
"I do not think Aragorn would like a 'Stag Night'." Commented one of the Rangers.  
  
"But they're fun! And traditional! And Aragorn doesn't have a choice." Kate declared, beginning to get annoyed.  
  
"We will not make him a 'Stag Night'." The same Ranger spoke up firmly.  
  
"Throw him a stag night party." Kate corrected as she marched out of the door, her temper beginning to flare up. "Some friends you lot are."  
  
***  
  
"Want to throw him a party then do you Kate?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Can't though. You're a girl."  
  
"Don't care."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"I'm going to do it."  
  
"He is a king y'know."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Well, he could say 'Off with her head' after it or something."  
  
"Would you let him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Do I need to worry?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good. Party it is then."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"Just need to organise it now."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Umm. Question?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Does middle earth have strippers?"  
  
"WHAT!?!?!?!"  
  
*************************************  
  
Heh heh heh. Oh dear oh dear. Poor old Aragorn. R&R please. 


	23. I am Not A Hen!

Still feeling guilty about not updating - here's the next chapter. Don't think there's much left on this story. Pity - I'm enjoying writing it!  
  
Everything in this story is owned by other people. Tolkien (or whoever owns the rights these days) owns all of Middle Earth and the ideas therein. Except Kate - who is a real person - honest! I couldn't invent her if I tried. After all who would believe me? (I got bored of writing a one line disclaimer)  
  
Oh yeah and big thanks to Kate for taking me out over the weekend. My head is still spinning...  
  
I am not a hen!  
  
"Let me get this straight. You want strippers?"  
  
"Well. Umm. Yeah! I want strippers!"  
  
"For Aragorn's Stag Night?"  
  
"Yes. And?"  
  
"Are you nuts woman?"  
  
"It's traditional!"  
  
"Not in Middle Earth. *Sighs* I'll see what I can do."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Kate?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"There's something in the bag that might get your party going."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"Kate?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"No handcuffs."  
  
"Damn."  
  
***  
  
"Tomorrow night is Aragorn's stag night. Got that?" Kate had enlisted the help of two willing accomplices. Merry and Pippin. "Is everything ready?" Merry and Pippin nodded, evil grins breaking out on their faces. "Good, then all that leaves is the strippers." She saw the bewildered expressions on their faces. "Nevermind."  
  
***  
  
"Aragorn! Aragorn! Something's happened! Come quickly!" Merry cried as he burst into the throne room where Aragorn was discussing important matters of state.  
  
Aragorn got up from where he was sitting and dashed out of the room with the remainder of the Fellowship, the Rangers and various important dignitaries all following Merry through Minas Tirith.  
  
*****************************  
  
Short I know. Does Aragorn meet the strippers? Will Kate listen and not handcuff him to some lamppost? Does middle earth even have lampposts? R&R please!  
  
R&R  
  
Hey! Didn't you here me? I said R&R!  
  
What are you doing?  
  
Why are you still reading?  
  
Press the button dammit!  
  
You know you want to!  
  
That's it. I'm off.  
  
nobody loves me.  
  
*sob* 


	24. I'll give you strippers if...

Still owning nowt. Big thrills there then!  
  
I'll give you strippers if...  
  
"Hey there Kate!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'll give you strippers and handcuffs and lampposts on one condition."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"Arwen gets a hen night."  
  
"What? I can't do both!"  
  
"That's the condition. No hen night - no strippers."  
  
"Why can't Arwen do her own night?"  
  
"Well, umm, probably because they don't have hen or stag nights in middle earth."  
  
"Why do I have to do it?"  
  
"Because as one of the reviewers of this wonderfully marvellously excellent story pointed out it wouldn't be fair."  
  
"Wonderfully marvellously excellent story?! Don't flatter yourself too much will'ya?"  
  
"Excuse me? You happen to be the lead character you idiot! It's flattering to you too!"  
  
"Oh... Well then I think it's good too! But I'm not doing Arwen's hen night!"  
  
"Would you prefer Galadriel to organise it? Or perhaps Eowyn?"  
  
"That's cruel."  
  
"You know me."  
  
"Fine. Not even I'm that nasty to let the poor girl go without a damn good party first."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Handcuffs?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Lampposts?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Strippers?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Hehehe."  
  
***  
  
Aragorn came running into the building. He shoved open the door to be met with a sight the likes of which Middle Earth had never seen before. The seediest nightclub ever. You name it - they had it. With bells on. And strippers too. Who er... didn't have bells on. Or much else for that matter.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship, Rangers and several of Aragorn's courtiers brought up the rear. All were brought to an abrupt stop by what they saw. Most blushed, in fact all blushed - but you couldn't really tell with Gimli as his beard obscured most of his face.  
  
***  
  
Several hours later and most of the stag party were drunk. Very very drunk. Kate was in fact the only person who could still stand and walk straight. But then she was used to the effects of alcopops, spirits and wine. Kate has a very hard head when it comes to alcohol.  
  
Gimli was doing his best to flirt with one of the strippers, who was doing her best to cover him in whipped cream. Not easy with all that beard. Legolas was drunkenly singing some very rude songs badly. "Wow!" Muttered Kate, "I didn't know elves could be so out of tune! Guess you learn something new every day."  
  
The hobbits were propping up the bar. Frodo looked on the verge of passing out. Merry and Pippin were trying their best to out drink each other. Sam, meanwhile looked quite green, vodka obviously did not agree with Sam's constitution.  
  
Aragorn was blushing as one of the strippers was dancing for him. Fortunately, he had imbibed more alcohol that night than he had in his life and consequently was not about to cry 'off with Kate's head' at any time. The Rangers were actually trying to can-can, something Kate had demonstrated to them earlier, but the worst was Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf could barely stand, leaning on his staff and he was seeing three of everything. Which was just about the time he decided to try and breakdance.  
  
Kate grinned at the devastation around her. "And if you think this is bad, just wait until the girls go out!"  
  
**************************************  
  
There we are, that's some of the night over with. Handcuffs and a hen night still to come! Oh dear oh dear. Has Kate forgiven Eowyn for that dress yet? Hmm. R&R I'd like to know what you think of this one please!!!!!! 


	25. The Morning After

HEY HEY HEY!!!!! HELEN! Yep you heard me! Helen! You'd better be reading this. Considering I went to all the trouble of sending you a link when I could barely see what I was doing last night. My head still aches. *Groan*  
  
Thanks to Kate for making me go out last night and drink just a tad too much. (Ok slightly more than a tad) So that I actually feel pretty crappy at the moment. But we were out to celebrate something! Kate's getting married! *Big hug to Kate & Boyfriend Ryan* And get this for coincidence, they booked it the day I wrote about the stag night! Spooky eh?  
  
So aside from congrats to Kate & Ryan that's all I can give. So don't sue me. Cos I own zilch.  
  
The Morning After  
  
Aragorn groaned. His head was pounding, as though a marching band had decided to take up residence in his head. (A/N: I know EXACTLY how he feels!) He shivered, feeling cold. He tried to stand and then found he couldn't, as his legs felt as though they had the bones removed from them. He groaned again, and then looked down at his legs in disgust. Then his eyes widened. His legs were bare! As was the rest of him!  
  
He tried to move and discovered he couldn't. Not from his legs feeling like jelly, but the handcuffs that were chaining him to an object he'd never seen before. Fortunately for him, the only lamppost ever to exist in Middle Earth happened to be inside his bedroom. "Kate!" He cried.  
  
***  
  
Three hours later and everyone who had attended the stag party were finally beginning to see straight. Everyone bar Kate who seemed to be fine, no evidence of a hangover whatsoever. "Bunch of wimps!" She declared as they sat down (or in Gandalf's case fell down) for breakfast.  
  
Gimli turned up last to breakfast. Not from overindulgence of alcohol though. Kate raised an eyebrow as he eventually trotted into the room.  
  
"Nice night?" Kate enquired.  
  
Gimli sat down and grinned at Kate, before helping himself to the food laid out before him.  
  
"And what was her name?" Kate asked.  
  
Gimli paused for a moment, his eyes twinkling, before answering with a question of his own, "Which one?"  
  
***  
  
"Enjoyed that did you?"  
  
"S'alright. What was with the lamppost in the bedroom then?"  
  
"Come on, I couldn't have a future king chained to a lamppost with no clothes on in the middle of his city!"  
  
"Spoilsport."  
  
"Anyway, hen night next. Get you some practise for your own."  
  
"I'm not having strippers at my own."  
  
"What?!?!?"  
  
"No way."  
  
"You don't get a choice in the matter Kate. You will have strippers. Just because it's your hen night, doesn't mean you get to decide on what happens. You should know that!"  
  
"NO strippers..."  
  
"Says the girl who just demanded them for Middle Earth, chained a NAKED Aragorn to a lamppost after stripping him with a little help from Merry and Pippin and will be holding a hen night for Arwen with male elf strippers in attendance."  
  
"Male elf strippers?! How did you manage that?"  
  
"My wild imagination knows no bounds..."  
  
"Yeah right..."  
  
"Ok ok, one of my reviewers said it."  
  
"OUR reviewers, and I think you'll find they WROTE it."  
  
"Hey! This is my story dammit! I'll say what I want to say! Right!"  
  
"Yeah. Whatever."  
  
"Hey where are you going?!"  
  
"Off to organise a party remember?"  
  
"No need to be sarcastic with me, Kate. I can still make Aragorn say 'off with her head!' y'know."  
  
"Yeah. As if you would."  
  
"And what's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"You can't kill me. No real life hen night then."  
  
"Wouldn't bother me after the headache I got from last night."  
  
"Wimp."  
  
"Shuttup."  
  
"What time did you go home again wimp?"  
  
"Oh go away and organise the party."  
  
"Hehehehe."  
  
"Oh Kate?"  
  
"What now?"  
  
"Well done on Gimli. 'Bout time he got the girl."  
  
"Girls. Gimli's a pulling machine."  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Very smooth. After they did their show for Aragorn, Gimli was the man they went after."  
  
"Dwarf, even."  
  
"Whatever. Didn't you always wonder why Galadriel was nuts about him?"  
  
"Ahhh. That'll be why she left her husband in Middle Earth after she sailed."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
************************************************  
  
Hen night next folks. R&R please. especially you Helen!  
  
Please review.  
  
You know you want to.  
  
Don't you appreciate the fact that typing is making my head ache?  
  
Can't you see the sacrifices I'm making for you people, dammit!  
  
Mixing drinks kids. As I'm sure the fellowship would now agree.  
  
Don't do it.  
  
Going back to bed now.  
  
*Ouch* 


	26. Arwen's Turn

Hehehe. Much love to all my reviewers! I love you all too! And I don't have a problem with making your sick fantasies of elf strippers become a reality. Well at least in the story anyway...  
  
Still not owning anything. Except an Eater Egg which I will gladly give away. Has nuts in. Yeuch.  
  
Arwen's turn.  
  
Arwen arrived a day early in Minas Tirith. Nobody bar Kate knew of her unexpected arrival. She was arriving early specifically for her hen night, along with Galadriel and Eowyn and various other ladies. All excited to be going to Arwen's hen night. Kate had already organised everything and she was really looking forward to it.  
  
***  
  
The evening started innocently enough, a few drinks here and there, some gossiping about 'the wedding dress'. "No puffy sleeves!" Kate declared as she had a particular hatred for them. Then after a few hours the party started to get going.  
  
It began with the entrance of the strippers. The male elf strippers. Resplendent in little more than... Well I'll just leave that to your imagination ok? Soon the group of quiet, sedate women turned into a herd of leering, cackling hags. Although Kate was of the opinion that Eowyn was one of those all the time.  
  
The strippers began their routine, Arwen being the centre of their attention, much to Eowyn's disgust.  
  
"Why does she always get the best men?" She moaned. "It's not fair."  
  
Kate's eyes glittered. She still hadn't forgiven Eowyn for the dress episode, although she had yet to decide exactly what her revenge would entail...  
  
***  
  
The strippers had finished their routine. It was the middle earth equivalent to earth's 'The Full Monty'. They were now wandering around assisting in whatever way they could in the festivities. Then came karaoke. Could this night get any wilder?  
  
***  
  
"Kate!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Don't lie to me! I've seen the looks you're giving Eowyn."  
  
"I haven't done anything!"  
  
"Yet."  
  
"Oh shut up."  
  
"What are you intending to do?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
"Liar."  
  
**********************************  
  
Not too sure what to do to Eowyn. Hmm. Will wait and see. R&R please! The party ain't over yet...  
  
And I have another story! I'm sending myself to middle earth! Go and read it! You know you want to! 


	27. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Hmm. Have suddenly realised that I really don't like Eowyn. Don't know why. Sad isn't it - I don't like a fictional character. Very disturbing. I think I need to get out more. I did leave the house yesterday! But I went to see LOTR again - for the trailer you understand. Perhaps that doesn't count as 'getting out'...  
  
Still not owning anything. Have now got another story - please check it out - called 'it's all gone horribly wrong'. Like this only it's starring me! I'm out to get everyone's favourite elf! Go on - you know you want to!  
  
Fight! Fight! Fight!  
  
The night progressed. Kate's glares at Eowyn's back had not gone entirely unnoticed by Eowyn. Eventually after much alcohol things came to a head.  
  
"Why do you look at me so, Kate?" Eowyn asked as she returned Kate's glare.  
  
"No reason Eowyn." Kate answered. "except of course, the whole smelling dress episode, the fact that you think I'm some kind of loose woman, the way you threw yourself at Aragorn just like a loose woman would..."  
  
"I did not throw myself at Aragorn!" Eowyn answered dangerously.  
  
"Yeah. Riiight." Kate commented sarcastically.  
  
"It was you who threw yourself at Aragorn. Asking to ride with him..."  
  
"Me?!" Kate said incredulously. "Umm. HELLO? LIVING. WITH. BOYFRIEND! You threw yourself at Aragorn. Still would if it weren't for her." Kate pointed in the direction of a very drunk and oblivious Arwen, who was leaning on an equally drunk and oblivious Galadriel.  
  
"How dare you!" Cried Eowyn, leaping to her feet." I love Faramir!"  
  
"Rebound." Kate stated.  
  
"Why you..." Eowyn lunged at Kate across the table, drinks and bottles flying.  
  
Kate didn't flinch and met her blows easily. Eowyn, who had heard tales of Kate's prowess in battle or more correctly lack of, was stunned. Kate seemed to have no problem in fighting back. In fact, Kate was winning.  
  
The answer, if Eowyn had thought about it - if indeed she could have formed any decent thought in her alcohol addled mind was that Kate was unused to war. Bar room brawls however, were something else entirely. Consequently, it wasn't long before Kate had Eowyn by the hair and was aiming to put her through the nearest window. Eowyn had the distinct disadvantage with the hair pulling, hers was much longer than Kate's and therefore a much easier target. Kate swung Eowyn around once more building up her momentum, much like an Olympic athlete would. At the last minute Kate let go and Eowyn sailed out of the window and went crashing down into the city's rubbish dump which was conveniently located beneath the window.  
  
Kate waltzed over and peered out of the broken glass. Eowyn was lying sprawled across some very unpleasant smelling refuse. Kate grinned, before shouting down gleefully to the figure who was struggling to get up, "I can smell you from here!"  
  
***  
  
The next morning and everybody visibly avoided Eowyn. Kate gloated. Legolas shook his head at her. "That really wasn't very nice you know." He said.  
  
"She started it. And anyway, you smelt the dress she gave me to wear. I just thought it was time for her to have a taste of her own medicine." Kate commented as she sauntered away before Eowyn could approach them. Legolas tried not to breathe for a moment as he greeted her, and then he made his escape swiftly too, taking large breaths as he tried to get the memory of Eowyn's foul smell away from him. That day, even the flies avoided her.  
  
******************************  
  
Was that mean enough? *grins* There's still more to come on this story, but not much.... R&R please!  
  
[And if you haven't seen the trailer. RUN. TO. THE. CINEMA. Trust me - it's well worth it. Roll on December!] 


	28. It's The Big Day! Hooray!

Am now aiming for 100 reviews. And to do so I may even extend the story to the scouring of the shire. So keep me happy and review! Review! REVIEW! Still not owning anything - and I'm ill, which means I can't go drinking with Kate for about 3 weeks. *sob*  
  
It's The Big Day! Hooray!  
  
"Hey there Kate!"  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Present for ya!"  
  
(Said Warily) "Which is?  
  
"Check out the bag!"  
  
"Here we go again..."  
  
***  
  
Kate strolled out of her room in her brand new straight from her bag outfit. Perfect for any wedding. It even had the matching accessories of hat, shoes and bag. Kate looked marvellous. She was ready for the big day. Aragorn and Arwen's wedding day.  
  
***  
  
"Ooooh, she looks lovely." Kate sobbed happily as she dried her tears with her handkerchief, leaning on Galadriel's arm. Galadriel nodded as she too tried to hide her tears of joy.  
  
"My little Arwen." Galadriel said. "No one could ask for a better granddaughter."  
  
"You're her grandmother?" Kate asked surprised. Nobody had told her that.  
  
Galadriel nodded again, too overcome with emotion to speak. Gimli reached over and patted her hand.  
  
"Smooth." Kate murmured noting the move, before glancing back up and bursting into fresh sobs as Aragorn took hold of Arwen's hand. "Oooooh it's sooooo romantic. I love good wedding."  
  
***  
  
"Speech! Speech!" Cried the wedding guests as the best man stood up.  
  
"I've never really been a 'best man' before" Kate said as she surveyed her audience. "And I know that perhaps I'm not the 'best man' for the job." The audience groaned at Kate's pun. "But I will say that I was really pleased when I was asked to be the best man, but then I think it's cos I don't have that many bad stories of Aragorn," She continued, glancing down wickedly at the smiling groom, "Well, except what happened on the stag night..." Aragorn sat up straighter looking worried, the smile beginning to disappear from his face, "But I'm not saying what happened." The audience groaned again. "Well, he is King y'know - he could still say 'off with her head' or something."  
  
She smiled at the two who were seated next to her. "Aragorn and Arwen, may your years be long and happy." She turned to the room raising her glass, "To the Bride and Groom." She drained her glass.  
  
"The Bride and Groom." The room echoed and drained their glasses too. But Kate hadn't finished yet.  
  
"Of course, if anyone wants to see the photos of the stag or hen night..." She grinned wickedly at all those who had participated on both nights, "I am open to bribes!"  
  
***  
  
"I see you caught the bouquet!"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"Pleased?"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"Good."  
  
"Question."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"Is there much more for me to do?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"No reason."  
  
"Hah! Admit it! You're enjoying yourself here!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Liar. You are. You know you are."  
  
"Well, maybe a little."  
  
"Don't worry, there is still more to come."  
  
"Good."  
  
***************************************************  
  
R&R please. Come on - I want 100 reviews! Please?!? More soon from Kate..... 


	29. Where've You Been?!

*Hangs head guiltily* Yes I know it's been a while. Sorry. Have been enjoying writing my other fic. Apologies to all! Still not owning anything, and still aiming for 100!  
  
Where've You Been?!  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Sorry! Is that the best you can do?!"  
  
"Errr. Umm. Yeah."  
  
"Leaving me here, all alone stuck in Middle Earth..."  
  
"I said I was sorry..."  
  
"No one here to comfort me in my loneliness..."  
  
"I'm sorry..."  
  
"All alone, poor me..."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were not alone. You refused to give me back those male elven strippers remember?"  
  
"Well, there's only so much they can do y'know..."  
  
"I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. KNOW. WHAT. YOU. GOT. UP. TO. WITH. THEM."  
  
"Well, you'd be surprised..."  
  
"Keep your filthy tales to yourself!"  
  
"They don't have tails, but they do have very very big..."  
  
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!"  
  
"...Feet."  
  
"Feet?"  
  
"Yes. Feet."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yes. And you know what they say about elves with big feet right?"  
  
"Errr... I don't think the rating will cover this Kate..."  
  
"They have..."  
  
"Kate! The rating!"  
  
"... a hard time getting shoes."  
  
"Very funny."  
  
"Well it made me laugh."  
  
***  
  
Some time after the wedding it was time for the company to leave Minas Tirith. Kate went with them, riding in her jeep with Gimli. It turned out that Gimli was something of a wonderful navigator and also something of a good driver after Kate taught him the basics.  
  
"The only problem is you put the seat too far forward!" She exclaimed.  
  
Gimli huffed good-naturedly at Kate as she fiddled with the seat before setting off. Kate and Gimli were taking turns in driving.  
  
Which was much to the annoyance of Legolas, who wished to see all the land around where the company travelled each time they made camp Gimli and Kate had already seen what there was to see and had photographs as proof. Kate explained that it was known as taking the 'scenic' route.  
  
Eowyn tended to avoid Kate most of the time. The whole being thrown out of a window was not forgotten or forgiven. Unfortunately for Eowyn it seemed that most of the company except those of Rohan had sided with Kate, but Eowyn was determined to get her revenge on Kate before the trip was over.  
  
*******************************  
  
Oh dear! Eowyn's still annoyed with Kate! R&R please! Suggestions for what Eowyn might try next? 


	30. Off Again

Ooh. No excuse. Sorry to all. Not mine. Next chapter here we go….

Eowyn watched Kate like a hawk. Every movement, every gesture, every word. Everything about Kate she knew. Or at least that's what she thought. 

"I have a stalker." Kate commented to Gimli. 

Gimli grunted as he glanced over to where Eowyn sat. "That woman bears no love for you Kate." He commented. "Are you sure its wise to try and antagonise her?" He asked as he watched Kate stick out her tongue in Eowyn's direction. 

"She started it." Kate answered, before leaning into her car and pulling out her staff. "Besides, don't you think I can take her?"

Gimli glanced at Kate who was now twirling her staff imperiously and giving Eowyn warning looks. "I would never suggest such a thing." He answered. "I'm just wondering if she knows what she's letting herself in for."

Kate merely smirked in reply.

***

Gimli watched Eowyn as Eowyn watched Kate. Eventually Gimli decided that something must be done and made his way to where the remains of the fellowship had gathered.

"Something must be done." He said as he saw the others.

"I know. This cannot go on." Aragorn muttered, deep in thought.

"Suggestions?" Gimli asked.

"Keep them apart. 'Tis the only way." Legolas said.

"Indeed." Aragorn answered. "But I fear that it is easier said than done."

***

Next morning Kate woke up. But not in her bed. Not in her tent either which was a far more worrying development she noted blearily. Then the rest of the camp woke up. To Kate's screams of rage.

*********************

oh dear oh dear. Eowyn's starting AGAIN! Does that woman have no sense? R&R please!

  



	31. Revenge is food?

Next chapter. on a roll. Go me! Still not mine tho.

Revenge is food?

"Eowyn! The little bi…"

"Now Kate calm down a little…"

"Did you see what she did to me? Did you?"

"Well, err… actually yes."

"And you're telling me to calm down!"

"But…"

"I. WILL. NOT. CALM. DOWN."

"Look…"

"I'm going to murder her. Right here. Right now."

"Kate listen to me for a second. Please?"

"NO."

"Kate…"

"No."

"Dammit Kate!" *author scowls at Kate's back.* "Come back here now!"

"No."

"Humph. Well you asked for this…" *Author waves hand in front of Kate's face and intones in a monotone voice,* "You will calm down."

"I will calm down."

"You will listen to what I have to say."

"I will listen to what you have to say."

"Listening?"

"Yes." *Pause* "How did you do that!?" 

"Jedi mind trick."

"Wha?!"

"Let me guess. You never watched Star Wars did you? No. Didn't think so. Anyway nevermind that now. Are you calm?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now listen and repeat after me. 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'."

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

"Good." *long pause* "Is there a problem?"

"Err… What does that mean exactly?"

*Author bangs head against keyboard in disbelief.* "Nevermind. Look, plan out what you intend to do to her then strike ok?"

"You mean – no floaty lips?"

"No floaty lips."

"No bunnies or puppies."

"No bunnies or puppies." *thinks* "And no interrupting her wedding day either, ok? I don't want her too damaged. Now go have your fun."

"Yes boss."

"Glad you finally figured out your place in all of this!"

***

A very wet and cold Kate made her way back to the campsite. Seems that somehow Kate had woken up in an old riverbed. Not a completely dry riverbed either, hence her emotional state being less than calm. Kate bit her lip and made her way to her tent to dry up and change. And of course far more importantly, to plan.

***

The travellers continued on their way home. Kate was offered and accepted an invitation to visit Hobitton. Something she looked forward to greatly. As she still travelled by car (she had lost Gimli to Legolas when they had gone off to explore Fangorn together) she missed the encounter with Saruman, something she was very disappointed with. Kate was comforted when Gandalf took her aside and admitted that he thought it was not the last time they would encounter him after he noticed just how down she seemed from missing the opportunity to hit Saruman over the head with his own staff again.

*************

Hmmm. So Kate's plotting. Watch out Eowyn! *grins* R&R please!


End file.
